To break down really what this landing page comes down to
we need to analyze the small details that are often overlooked.
I am more than grateful for people that did do nothing but help
and support me even during the times in which my decisions were
not in alignment with what they believed. That list is quite
short to say the least, and I am quite disappointed that my
life had been knocked down to the point it is today. With
nothing - in the eyes of my family, that is - but disappointment
and issues flowing to the surface of their thoughts, I was
quickly left with most nobody in my life.
Other than a very few
people who genuinely saw me for the good person I was,
there was plenty that just purely idled by and waited for the
time to sabotage and destroy me. Any way possible, from emotionally
and mentally, to financially, to socially, not only did fake friends,
but also my family and some of the people I care about most; take
the time to really do what they felt I deserved and that was damage
my reputation as an individual. They played two sides of my immediate
life and caused nothing but conflict between me and my 'partner'. I
had never really been given the chances that I should have gotten to
prove myself after some of the many mistakes I have made in this life.
I was judged for my wrongs, I was hated by people for the years of rage
and built up resentment I had toward not only myself, but others as
well.
I grew up in a home which never validated love, accomplishments,
or success but instead worked on dicipline if something wasn't correct
and to their standards. The immoral livestyle that, not only was I pulled
from via CPS, but returned to is a lot of why I am who I am today.
Do I take ownership for my mistakes? Well, yes, of course, but its
officially my time to get to tell everyone how that went down. Where
my life led to after coping with toxic morals and life choices that
I will forever disregard as genuine. Not being shown love, and care
for another individual, especially when growing up and developing really
messes up someone on the internal side of things. Self worth and self care
becomes really skewed. It effects you, on so many aspects, especially
when reflecting against your adult life and how you handle yourself
(thoughts, emotions, loves, hates) and thanks to this, some of my
most prized life connections and resources quickly became the backstabbing
knife wielding people that I have been destroyewd by.
I have done a lot
of damage in my own ways, and a lot of people deserve to see that I
recognize my mistakes in life, and I don't solely blame my father for
how I view things. I know I have burned bridges to the ground, some needed
and some not. At the end of the day, I know that there's so many
people out there who are just like me: dealing with the same struggles.
I'm sorry for who I did wrong, and where I did wrong. I have no
way of making those amends other than to acknowledge and move on
as a better person and not relive those same mistakes. Repetitive
mistakes are due to not understanding why you made them. Understanding
yourself starts with understanding the situations. Unfortunately, a lot
of things are going public from here on out. From the acquantences,
friends, family, and enemies that have come and gone through my life;
there's nobody that deserves a negative call out. There are people that
have manipulated how I feel about my one and (what I can confidently say
would be) only person I truly regret losing in this world. The one person
that pushed me through even some of the most dark and unpredictable
times of my life was just drawn out too far. Too worn, thanks to my own
damn mistakes. Thanks to my lack of understanding what the hell self-care
is.
The one person that showed me, no matter how much someone might prove
and say they love you, you can't feel unloved. You can't sit and be drawn
to the thoughts that they really don't care about you. Everyones emotions
matter, but sometimes the emotions that matter most are your own and you
must take the time to understand them. Understand how to fix them, and
relearn. A lot was done to me, and honestly, that doesn't mattrer anymore.
The only thing that matters, is that I get the public chance to admit to
my problems, and take the first step and last step of living with my
life with these struggles. I will no longer be the one to see the world
with the one I wanted by my side. I understand, now, that I will forever
regret my own mistakes, and I will forever be in debt to myself for
taking away the one thing that kept me fighting. I am the one to blame
for where I am today. Where I am from here is also on me. I sincerely apologize...
I wanted to take the time to give a special thanks to the people in my
life that did care, and give an extra special thanks to the low life pricks
that decided to do what they wanted with no regards to what someone else
may take it. May do. May regret.
Shout-out to the ones that, through thick and thin did nothing but be here for me: